


how do i admit i am falling apart

by ssolaris, tekina_fiction



Series: how do i admit i am falling apart [1]
Category: Sonic the Hedgehog - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Body Dysphoria, Collaboration, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, F/M, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, Internalized Transphobia, LGBTQ Themes, LGBTQA+ Characters, Selectively Mute Character, Sign Language, Swearing, as more chapters are posted more tags will be added, for violence and hhh body gore ooh boy, rated g for now but when new chapters are added its gonna get a t rating, these aren't all the tags to avoid spoilers n such, we're both trans y'all don't worry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-19
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2019-07-14 03:35:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16032152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ssolaris/pseuds/ssolaris, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tekina_fiction/pseuds/tekina_fiction
Summary: It wasn't long before she realized she was actually a he.





	how do i admit i am falling apart

**Author's Note:**

> to my ffnet readers: you thought i was dead?
> 
> ahhaahahhaahhhaahahah
> 
> i have been lurking in the shadows for far too long. it's time that i show the world MY TRUE INTENTIONS AND
> 
> okay but so this fanfic is p much a Big Trans Collab between me and my darling sweet soft boy buddy king needlemouse! he's an amazing bean and here's his tumblr:
> 
> https://ssolaris.tumblr.com/
> 
> but we met, started rambling about trans sonic, then this fic vomited itself into existence. we did the plotting together, and at first i wanted to do the draft with king! but he was like: but your art makes me soft *gay sobbing* so i ended up doing the cover, which you can see on the ffnet version, my tumblr, and my deviantart (WHICH TOOK ME MORE THAN TEN FUCKING DAYS) and he did the writing (WHICH TOOK TWO MONTHS) and here we are. please support him and give his writing the love it deserves
> 
> anyhow, besides this being a thingy between me n king you can consider this a fanfic of this adorable fanart by poyoran! it's p much a trans headcanon of sonic giving amy his old dress and you can find it here:
> 
> http://neonspindash.tumblr.com/post/170744312974/stuff-from-twitter-that-i-liked
> 
> it inspired me before i even met king and you should follow poyoran too!!!!
> 
> last thanks: THANK YOU SUPER HECKING MUCH SUPEREMERALDS AND PRESSGARDENZONE AND KING FOR DRAWING FANART OF THE LIL SKETCHES I DID OF THIS FIC DURING ITS WRITING STAGE HERE:
> 
> https://tekina-fiction.tumblr.com/post/176163732695/press-gardenzone-king-needlemouse
> 
> with that, onto the show with my triumphant return :3c

She always knew something wasn’t quite right.

Normally she’d just try to brush off the strange discomfort she’d feel churning in the pit of her stomach. She was a teenager, after all, and all teenagers were self-conscious. It was normal to feel odd about the way her body was changing, or how her voice sounded, or sometimes even her own name. Right?

Right.

It wasn’t like it mattered, anyway. She lived on her own, constantly on the move. There was nobody else around typically to draw attention to her insecurities. And yet somehow, she remarked to herself, even in the thickest of woods or on the highest of mountains, she could still feel the scrutinizing eyes on her back and the demeaning finger-pointing sent her way. Sometimes, she could even hear the derisive laughter mocking her every move.

 _Get over yourself, hedgehog._ This was all just some stupid, prepubescent hormonal shit and she was going to work through it, she was going to get over it. Somehow.

She quickly disregarded her musings in favor of focusing on the matter at hand. She was getting sidetracked. She had to focus on stopping Robotnik before he destroyed Little Planet. And, regretfully, her mission also included saving that kidnapped little girl.

It was the final stretch. She watched snidely as the eerie red light in her robot twin’s eyes dimmed, and it collapsed to the ground with one last groan of metal joints. Dusting off her hands, she flashed a little smirk its way, before swiveling around and speeding towards the damsel in distress.

The girl, admittedly, was kind of… cute? _Ew, no, that’s gross,_ she reprimanded herself. She wasn’t interested in dating, or any of that gross, grown-up stuff like kissing and holding hands. She’d rather run laps around the planet and blow up Robotnik’s newest creations.

The captive, who was a hedgehog with bubblegum pink fur, flailed wildly in her bonds and screamed rather pathetically against her gag. Carefully, the heroine loosened the rope enough to grab the girl by the waist and ease her to the ground. She then withdrew the gag, before planting firm hands on the shoulders of the strawberry girl.

“Are you okay?” she asked, cautious.

The newly-freed prisoner nodded dumbly, her jade eyes sparkling magnificently. “You’re—you’re Sonic the Hedgehog, aren’t you?! The Heroine of Mobius!”

And despite how much that stroked her ego, Sonic couldn’t stifle the strange twinge in her stomach at that last bit, one that made her lips almost twitch into a frown. She hesitated a moment before nodding with a wide grin.

“They one and only!”

The other female dawned as an expression of pure adoration. “Oh my gosh! I’m, like, your biggest fan! L-Look, I even styled my quills after yours, just ‘cause I think they look so cool!”

And sure enough, as the blue blur squinted her eyes at the other, she noted the pink quills on her head were spiked up remarkably similar to her own. It was a little befuddling. She supposed she was aware that she was well liked by the public nowadays, but this was the first time meeting someone who seemed to just utterly idolize her.

(And the thought of someone appreciating her for who she was did not mingle well with the weird, low-self-confidence issues she’d been battling lately.)

“Ah—” Sonic stammered, still a little surprised. “That’s, um. Thanks, I guess?”

The girl giggled, extending a hand. “Thank you for saving me, miss. I’m Amy Rose, but you can just call me Amy.” She added a wink for good measure.

There was a moment’s pause where Sonic feared they’d get swept into an awkward silence that she wasn’t sure she’d be able to survive when the ground began to quake beneath their feet and suddenly she remembered: _Hey!_ They should probably get out of here.

As the tremors grew more violent, and the pair began to lose their footing, Sonic seized the moment to sweep Amy into her arms, bridal style. A tiny squeak escaped the strawberry hedgehog’s throat at the sudden motion, and she clutched fearfully to her azure hero’s chest as she was carried off the collapsing planet.

The feel of Amy squeezing onto her arms was enough to make Sonic tense considerably, and she felt her face grow a little hot. Chaos, she was _not_ about to start dating this girl. The thought made her gag.

So instead of focusing on the physical contact, Sonic fixated herself on getting them to safety. She quickly found her way back to Palmtree Panic, weaving around the towering foliage and crumbling cliff sides. Every jerky movement they made throughout the chaos of it all, no matter how subtle, elicited a horrified shriek from the girl in her arms. Sonic felt a twinge of guilt at that, but knew all she could do was carry on until they found stable ground.

Soon they encountered that large chain manufactured by Robotnik, the one with its rusty torus links twice the size of the lithe speedster, that connected to the planet below. They were starting to crack a bit from the pressure of the smaller, quaking globe it was hooked onto, so Sonic was quick to hop on the chain and start to jog down at a speed that wouldn’t scare Amy too badly.

They quickly reached the bottom, and the blue blur felt a wave of relief wash over her as they touched down onto the lush grass in the open field. She eased the girl out of her arms, gingerly withdrawing away, and waiting a moment for Amy to regain her bearings.

The bubblegum-pink hedgehog blinked warily, removing her hands from her face, and sniffled. Upon realizing Sonic had just saved her, Amy bounced ecstatically on her feet before leaping up and embracing her cerulean savior in a tight hug.

“You’re my hero!” she beamed, nuzzling her face against the speedster’s chest. “You were so brave back there. I can’t believe you actually saved me!”

Sonic stiffened at the hug, feeling her face grow hot again as her mind slowly mulled over what exactly was happening. Unsure of how to cope, she began to gently pry herself away from Amy’s iron grip, though it proved rather difficult for a couple minutes.

“Uh, yeah, no problem,” the speedster choked out, almost positive her cheeks were beet red. “It’s what I do.”

Finally, Amy pulled away enough to give Sonic the breathing room she needed, still eyeing the heroine in adulation. They stood there for a brief moment, just staring at each other, and the tension was so thick the blue blur thought maybe she’d start suffocating.

“Um,” the pink girl began slowly, her cheeks a little rosy as well. She wrung her hands nervously, rocking back on her heels. “I like your dress. It looks real pretty on you!”

“ _Oh,_ ” Sonic replied lamely, reeling a bit from the compliment. _She was pretty?_

Those weird, conflicting emotions resurfaced as well. Part of her was flustered in the romantic kind of way, because wow, this nice girl _thinks she’s pretty._ But the other side of her felt like some nasty slug in her stomach, all gross and slimy and uncomfortable. The thought of being _pretty,_ according to that gross thing inside her, was revolting, and she had no idea why.

After a second Amy’s face started to fall, and she looked a bit apologetic. It took Sonic a second to realize she probably should say something more adequate than a simple ‘oh,’ regardless of her true conflictions.

The speedster swallowed the thick knot in her throat. “Thanks. U-uh, you look… pretty, also.”

_Chaos, could she be any more awkward?_

“Um,” Sonic continued, her face dangerously hot, “I-I should—I gotta go make sure Robotnik isn’t still trying to, uh. Do bad things. I guess.”

A small smile wormed its way onto Amy’s face, and she nodded vigorously. “Right, yeah, of course! Good luck, Sonic!”

Words completely failing her for once, Sonic provided a fleeting smile before tearing off down the field.

* * *

It wasn’t long before she realized that _she_ was actually a _he._

The realization was sort of abrupt, and Sonic wasn’t quite expecting it. It had all started from the news story that seemed to be plastered across just about every television screen and newspaper in the country. Every talk show in existence couldn’t stop blabbering about it. And, really, it wasn’t that big of a deal. Just that Wade the Swallow, world-renowned Extreme Gear racer, was now _Wave_ the Swallow.

Sonic had been sprawled across the loveseat, a bit of drool escaping the side of her lips, her eyes glazed from watching the TV for just about six hours, when she first heard of the news story. And at first, she barely paid it any mind—the anchors were just going on about how big it was for the ‘community,’ presumably the LGBT+ one. She was happy for her, sure, but her brain was mushy after a full day of doing absolutely nothing, and she wasn’t exactly processing the words.

But then it had switched to a live interview with Wave herself, and she started to tune in a little bit—if only to sate her curiosity.

“ _… I just never felt right, as a kid,_ ” Wave continued on, her face a little somber. “ _I always threw fits when my parents forced me to wear a tie when all I wanted was that sparkly pink dress. I’d always wanna play with dolls, not action figures. Even pronouns were uncomfortable for me. I just—I’m so glad to finally tell the world, so I can actually begin my transition and feel like my true self for once._ ”

Sonic blinked almost owlishly at that, feeling this strange, fluttery feeling in her gut. She froze up a moment, no longer hearing the interview as her mind became swarmed with a million questions, suddenly unable to think straight.        

She promptly leapt off the sofa and ran down the hall to her brother’s workshop, bursting through the door in a rambunctious feat.            

The fox inside, who was hunched over some project on his workbench, turned around and lifted up his goggles to face the blue blur. “Uh, you alright?”          

Sonic held her hands together tightly, fiddling with her thumbs. “Um, can—can I ask a question?”

“Shoot.”         

“What,” the hedgehog began, stumbling over her words. Her heart was pounding in her ears and for all she knew she was just kidding herself with all of this, but holy shit, Wave’s words really hit her hard and she couldn’t shake off this creeping feeling. “What would you say if I told you I—I wanted to be a boy?”         

The boy genius’ face screwed up in confusion for a second, before leaning back a little in his seat. “Oh, you mean like that Wave girl?”        

“Y-yeah.”                

Tails shrugged. “I mean, to be honest, I’d say I’ve seen it coming?”          

Sonic hesitated. “… Really?”        

“Well,” the pilot said, starting to pull off his goggles and work gloves, “I don’t mean to say I’ve known, because there’s no real way I could’ve known for sure, but... I definitely had suspicions that something was up with you in the past, and, well, after hearing about this stuff with that racer girl…”        

The blue blur swallowed thickly, still feeling a little woozy but able to breathe just a smidge better. “Oh. So, so you’re fine with it?”               

“Of course!” Tails replied, all chipper. “I still love you just the same, whether you’re my big sister or my big brother.”               

Sonic couldn’t help but grin at that, and he couldn’t deny the little somersault his stomach did at the idea of being a _brother._           

“Um,” the speedster tried, his throat closing up.  He swore to Chaos he was not a crier but dammit his eyes really burned and he was getting that tickly feeling in his face like he was about to burst into tears. “Uh, thanks bud, really, I—uh, I appreciate that a lot, really—”        

He gasped audibly as the small, tangerine fox bounded up to him and practically leapt into his arms, embracing him in quite possibly the most intense hug he’d ever partaken in.             

“I love you, big bro,” Tails murmured into his chest.          

And for a moment Sonic’s mind just stalled, and he could feel a hot tear starting to creep down his face. “… Love you too, little bro.”

* * *

While it had taken some getting used to and a lot of pronoun slip-ups, by the time the dynamic duo found themselves on a mystical floating island fighting an angry echidna, it had been five months and Tails had no troubles in avoiding misgendering his best friend. The only real struggle was keeping it under wraps from the public, as Sonic decided he wanted to keep it a secret for the time being. But it was easier said than done.      

And as the pair helped the carmine echidna to his feet, the latter still trembling from being electrocuted, and walked him over to a rock for him to rest on, Sonic got this sinking feeling in his chest that he’d now have to decide whether or not to tell this new friend his secret.

“Are you okay, Knuckles?” Tails wondered fearfully. “We _told_ you Robotnik was tricking you. You should’ve listened.”         

The guardian of the emeralds rolled his eyes and shrugged tiredly. “Yeah, yeah, I know. Sorry I’ve been such a jerk to you guys.”               

Sonic gave a subdued smile. “It’s alright, dude.”              

Knuckles cocked his head playfully, brandishing a wide grin that popped out against his blatant fatigue. “Glad we’re on good terms, then. Now go get my emeralds, Miss _Heroine of Mobius_.”           

And, oh.         

 _Oh._              

Vaguely, out of the corner of his eyes, he could see the look of shock and confliction on Tails’ face, the desperate gaze of sky blue eyes cast his way, but he just. _Couldn’t._        

Because suddenly he felt nauseous, way too nauseous for comfort, so much so that he could already taste the bile snaking up his throat, making his stomach turn. He lost his footing a bit and stumbled back a step or two, as this icy cold sensation washed over his body and turned him rigid.             

Knuckles looked at him oddly, though it was hard to really tell through the way his vision was going fuzzy, and how all his focus was now being directed at the chilling, painful feeling of his heart throbbing against his ribcage.           

“… Sonic, you okay?” he thought he heard, and he could almost sort of see a gloved hand reaching out to him, “You don’t look too good.”

And then another hand grabbed him tensely around his forearm, and it was enough to stabilize him just slightly, and allow air to pass through his nose again. As coherency returned to him, the hedgehog quickly came to realize that he needed to explain himself _now_ and reassure the echidna that he was _fine_ and there was _no_ reason to worry.           

But when he tried to open his mouth, the words got caught in his throat, and a wave of vertigo hit him like a truck. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes as he tried to force his vocal chords to work, hot and frustrated. The sickly thought that he just couldn’t _talk_ now tore him apart, and weakly, Sonic opted to fan out the fingers on his right hand and tap his thumb to his chest.        

 **_I’m fine._ **        

Knuckles blinked dumbly, clearly unable to understand what the motion meant. To his side, Sonic could feel the piercing stare of his brother, eyeing him intently.            

Tails shook his head, because it was so painfully obvious that he was _not_ fine. Softly, the kit whispered to him, “Do you want me to tell him?”             

“Tell me what?” the echidna said, narrowing his eyes in uncertainty. “What’s going on, you two?”         

Sonic paused, took a breath as deep as he could, and nodded.         

The fox turned to the guardian, smiling gently. “Um. I think Sonic would appreciate it a lot if… If you could refer to him as a boy, now?”      

The hedgehog added a meek smile for good measure.         

Knuckles took a moment to process, and it was very brief, but to Sonic it felt like an eternity. And then the crimson warrior simply said, “Oh. Yeah, sure.”               

Tails grinned in a pleasant surprise, quirking a brow. “Really? You don’t, like, have any questions or…?”

“Nah,” he shook his head, “I’m the last of my kind, but some ancient readings I’ve studied have mentioned folk like you before that were in my clan. I may be a hermit, but it’s not really _that_ new to me.”             

At this point, Sonic was bouncing on his feet ecstatically, although he still needed a little time to recover before he could talk again. Instead, he tapped the tips of his fingers to his chin, followed by linking his two index fingers together and alternating. His smile was so wide it almost hurt.        

 **_Thank you, friend._ **             

“He says ‘thank you,’” Tails translated.                

Knuckles smiled and nodded to the hedgehog before his face settled into a frown. “Wait, so are you alright? Why can’t you talk?”

The fox grew a little nervous, rubbing the back of his neck. “Uh, well. Sometimes when he gets over-stimulated or too emotional, he—he can’t really talk. He’s working on it, but, y’know, not much we can do for now.”          

“Oh,” the brute replied, before looking over at the speedster sincerely. “Well, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, Sonic. Now, I need to recuperate here for a second, but how about you go save my island, _Hero_ of Mobius?”

* * *

“Well? How does it look?”            

Tails flashed a lopsided grin. “It looks fine. I’m just glad you aren’t asking me if ‘it makes you look flat.’”        

The speedster shoved his brother playfully, snickering all the while. “Hey! It’s funny!”

“Not after the tenth time, it isn’t,” the pilot groaned with a joking roll of the eyes.            

Sonic gave himself another once-over in the mirror, emerald orbs particularly set on his chest. He twisted around in every angle he could muster while still getting a clear view of himself, scrutinizing any little spot that didn’t look exactly flat to him. He was probably overreacting a little, he mused, but _still._ He refused to walk out of the workshop until he felt completely confident with his chest.               

“… But are you sure it looks fine?” he pressed, his tone less humorous and more apprehensive.          

Tails’ eyes softened, and he rested a ginger hand on his brother’s shoulder. “I’m positive.”                

And although that seemed to lessen some of the tension in the blue blur’s shoulders, he still looked a little wary. “Won’t people be suspicious, though? It’s kinda odd for me to just start wearing this… strange ‘crop-top’ thing all the sudden, without any clothes other than my shoes and gloves.”

Pursing his lips, the two-tailed fox conceded. “I guess you’re right. Hang on.”                

The kit scampered off into the laundry room, promptly returning with some ball of black cloth. He tossed it at the hedgehog, who wobbled a bit in pure surprise, before catching it easily. Sonic unraveled the bundle to reveal a pair of loose basketball shorts, which looked comfy enough, if not a little worn.              

“Try those on for size.”

With a small huff of annoyance, the cobalt hero kicked his sneakers off to slip on the shorts, before pulling them up to his waist where they clung onto him snugly. He struck a few poses just to test their comfortableness, before humming contentedly and twirling back around to face his brother.        

“See?” Tails said, “Now it just looks like—like some trendy new outfit or something. It’s sporty.”         

Sonic grinned. “Sure.”          

The fox glanced over to the clock and flinched. “Oh! You better get going, now. Amy’s not the most patient girl.”              

“Shoot! It’s already two?”             

“Just about,” the younger hollered over his shoulder, already retreating back to his workshop. “But you’ll make it there in half a second. Don’t worry about suffocating in that thing, I tailored the fibers to be extra flexible while still retaining their tightness!”         

“Thanks, bud, you’re the best!”        

“I know!”                

Chuckling softly, Sonic snatched his bright red backpack off the dining table, jogged out the door, and blasted off towards Station Square.          

Quickly approaching the city, he giggled at the wind tousling his quills, closing his eyes briefly to soak in the afternoon sun. He’d only been locked up in the workshop for a couple days, but to him that was practically a century. Being cooped up so long had taken a toll on him, and now that he was free, he felt like he could run for hours—after he got lunch with Amy, that is.               

And, he noticed, the binder felt _great._ The whole reason he was stuck at the workshop for all those dreadful days was because the last binder he had foolishly bought off the internet _sucked._ Admittedly, it was actually a relatively decent one, but it was far too restricting on him and he quickly found that he couldn’t run with it for more than thirty seconds without it hurting his ribs and stealing away his breath.             

He was lucky enough to have a brainiac for a brother who made him this custom binder that he could breathe in, but Sonic also found that during the few days Tails needed to actually make it, walking outside binder-less was enough to send his dysphoria into _hyper-panic-depression_ mode. He supposed it was because he had gotten a taste of what being truly flat could feel like. And once he had gotten that taste, he just couldn’t go back.           

The speedster made sure to slow his pace as he entered the big city, not wanting to crash into any buildings or cars or pedestrians. But he was practically a pro at maneuvering around Station Square at this point, so he wasn’t too scared to slow to a walking pace.                

Hah. Imagine that. Him? Walking? Now that was just absurd.        

As he rounded a corner, Sonic spotted the café he was supposed to meet Amy at, with its small cherry-wood tables and dandelion awnings. He slowed to a stop just by the table she sat at, smiling tentatively.          

She still wore that same dorky outfit from Little Planet, although now her quills were curled down into a messy bob. Upon seeing the blue blur, her face grew a faint shade of red and her jade eyes became a little dazed.        

And, fuck. She looked _really_ cute like that.          

 _(Oh Chaos, here we go.)_        

See, Sonic had a plan for today, to come out to her. It would be simple and easy, and she’d be accepting no doubt. But telling himself that he would do it, and _actually_ doing it, were two very different things. This became especially apparent as he stood there, just beside the table, gazing at her with starry eyes. His knees felt a little weak from the nerves of it all, and he hopped into the chair opposite of her.      

“Um,” he began, a bit nervously, “Hey.”               

“Hi!” she replied, giddily. “How are you? I’m so glad we’ve stayed in contact, ‘cause I’ve really been looking forward to today.”           

Sonic smiled easily. “Yeah, me too.”

Amy eyed his outfit a moment, and suddenly he felt very, _very_ squirmy and hot and shaky, because _how would she react?_ But then she just said, “I like the crop top, it looks really nice.”

“ _Oh,_ ” he blinked, tongue turning into cotton for a second. _At least she didn’t think it looked weird._ “Thanks. Um.”         

 _Now’s your chance. Just tell her._               

“Hey, uh,” he began, slowly, his brain malfunctioning for a moment. “… Speakin’ of fashion, I brought you something!”           

 _Idiot._           

Pushing aside his thoughts for the time being, Sonic slipped off his knapsack and propped it up on the table. Amy sipped at her soda, eyeing the bag curiously as he opened it up and ruffled through it for a brief moment. Eventually, he pulled out some large mass of red cloth, slipping his backpack back on and laying out the item he’d withdrawn on the tabletop.         

“That’s the same dress you wore when we first met, back on Little Planet, right?” the strawberry hedgehog wondered, looking vaguely confused.              

Sonic grinned nervously. “You’ve got a sharp memory, huh?”                

Her face reddened again, and she bowed her head slightly. “Well, it’s just, I remember you looked… Really cute in it.”           

“Oh.”           

Why was he literally the _worst_ at talking?            

“Well,” he tried again, twiddling his thumbs underneath the table, “I don’t really… I don’t wear it anymore. And, uh, I figured maybe you’d like to have it?”            

Her face lit up, jade orbs glistening wonderfully in the sunlight. “That’s so sweet of you! But are you sure?”        

He shrugged. “Yeah. It’s… Not really my style anymore.”          

“Oh, thank you!” Amy lifted up the dress to inspect it for herself. She took a moment to admire it’s bright, ruby hue, and the way it frilled out into its white hem. She loved it already. “Really, this is so nice.”             

“It’s no problem.” Sonic swabbed a thumb at his nose.                

A waiter suddenly approached their table, eyeing the pair expectantly. Amy didn’t seem like she was going to order anything else, so Sonic went ahead.       

“I’ll just have a lemonade, thanks.”

The waiter nodded with a small smile, before heading back inside the café.       

“So,” the speedster said, resting a cheek in his palm. “What’s new with you, Ames?”         

“Um, well,” she started to say, before drifting off. Her face grew a tad solemn, and Sonic frowned in concern.             

He scratched the back of his neck. “Everything okay?”               

“Yeah, yeah!” she said immediately, smiling uneasily. “It’s just… I—I came out to my mom last night.”           

His ears perked up in interest. _Came out? As what?_ “Oh? And how’d it go?”                

“Alright, I guess.” She sagged a little in her seat, her eyes glossy. He felt a pang of sympathy in his chest. “I mean, it wasn’t horrible, but. She doesn’t really understand, I guess? I dunno. Our relationship’s been pretty strained lately, so it’s a little rough on her.”            

Sonic eyed her warmly, and spoke in a gentle tone. “Don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll come around soon enough.”           

“Yeah…”                

“And—” he furrowed his brows, “And you’re…?”           

“Gay,” she replied, steadily.          

His ears folded back against his head. _Oh._

 _How stupid of him to think he had a chance._         

“I mean, I think I am. I dunno. It’s all really confusing, but—but I’m pretty sure I like girls.”               

He forced himself to smile, and hoped it didn’t look too fake. “That’s great, Ames. It’s… It’s real brave of you to come out.”             

She grinned excitedly. “Thanks!”              

The waiter returned, just then, with a curt greeting as he set down the lemonade Sonic had ordered. The pair continued on with some casual conversation, catching up with each other about all they had missed in one another’s lives over the past few years. He let her do most of the talking, opting instead to sip on his lemonade for a majority of the conversation.

It was hard to ignore the twinge of heartache in his chest.

* * *

After the defeat of Perfect Chaos, the news exploded. Because, sure, he was relatively famous before, but now he was worshipped as a fucking _martyr._

And it was great and all, except it was horrible.

It certainly was nice to hear the news reporters chattering giddily about the hedgehog who saved millions of lives, like some middle-schoolers gossiping about the cute kid in gym class, even if it was a little odd. And while Sonic wasn’t much for stroking his ego _too_ much, it was still nice to hear that the city he saved from catastrophe appreciated him.

But he wasn’t out yet. Which meant any time he stepped outside, or watched the news, he couldn’t concentrate. He couldn’t concentrate on anything except the words ‘she’ and ‘her’ and ‘heroine.’ So he found himself, yet again, opting to lock himself up in the workshop instead of enjoying the outdoors.

It wasn’t too bad, he supposed. The hedgehog had managed to catch a cold in the mayhem of all of this, and it wasn’t hard to guess it was mostly likely from the flooding crisis during—and after—Chaos’ tirade (clearly he and water just didn’t mix, period), so he was bedridden anyways with the sniffles.

Tails assured him the seclusion was probably for the better. He insisted that going into Station Square would only lead to getting stampeded by fans, at least for the next week or two.

And Sonic really couldn’t argue that, but he still felt this stab of misery every time he thought about how much of a mess everything was.

“I made you some soup,” a young voice quipped, as the boy genius stepped into the room. He carried a tray to the speedster, who was bundled up in a mound of blankets, with about five tissue boxes scattered about the bed.

Settling the meal down in his lap, Sonic licked at his lips and sipped at the soup delightedly. “Thanks, pal,” he managed out through his clogged up windpipe. He sounded awful nasally from the cold. “Do ya’ think I sound more masculine now, from the congestion?”

Tails giggled. “I mean, I guess so, yeah.”

The cerulean hero mused to himself that the nasally voice that came with sickness was his favorite part of it all. He couldn’t help but feel a swell of euphoria when he listened to himself speak with it. And it certainly alleviated the pressure of his dwindling self-esteem that had reached new lows as of late.

Hearing all those people call him _‘her’_ so many times was starting to get to him, lately. He’d glare at himself in the mirror, sometimes, for nearly a half hour, judging himself. Telling himself he wasn’t as flat as he hoped he was, that he’d never be regarded as masculine. Telling himself his hips were just a little too curvy, that no real boy would have that body shape. Telling himself his voice was too high, it’d always be too high. Caving into the voices in the back of his head, the ones that hissed, stop kidding yourself, stop pretending, nobody will ever take you seriously. The ones that murmured that he was being foolish, that he was just a stupid _girl_ with a stupid fa _ce and stupid voice and chest and—_

“Sonic?”

He blinked wearily, swallowing in discomfort at his sore throat. “… Yeah?”

“You, uh,” the pilot said, unsurely. “You spaced out there for a second. Is the soup okay?”

 _Oh._ “Y-Yeah! No, sorry, yeah, it’s delicious. Thanks lil’ bro.”

Tails smiled gently, patting his best friend’s arm reassuringly. “No problem, big bro. I’ll be down in the shop, just holler if you need anything.”

Forcing on a smile, Sonic tried to revel for a moment in the slight relief from his oppressive dysphoria at his brother’s terminology. It certainly brought a small wave of elation, but wasn’t enough to chase away all the voices.

* * *

“Is it gonna hurt?”

“Sonic—”

“Oh Chaos, it’s gonna hurt. This was a bad idea, maybe we should just—”

“ _Sonic,_ ” the fox said evenly, drawing the viscous substance into the syringe. “Take a deep breath, you’re gonna do fine. I promise it won’t even hurt that bad.”

The speedster frowned, trying to keep his emerald eyes trained on the ceiling. Just looking at the shot made him queasy. “A-Are you sure?”

At his side, Knuckles cracked a grin, and crossed his arms. “Need me to hold your hand?”

Sonic looked at his friend bizarrely, with an almost exaggerated look of horror. “No, of course not! C’mon, Knux, I’m not a _baby._ ”

The echidna snickered and rolled his eyes. “Whatever you say, man.”

“You know,” Tails cut in through the banter, “Eventually you’ll be so used to these you won’t even have to worry about them. You’ll get accustomed to them, and they’ll just stop hurting completely.”

The blue blur fidgeted uneasily in his seat, squeezing the armrests as he sucked in a breath. He murmured lowly, “I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to monthly shots.”

After tapping the syringe for air bubbles, the kit turned to his brother and started swabbing his thigh with a wipe doused in rubbing alcohol. Sonic’s fur prickled at the icy sensation, and for a moment his mind was able to drift away from the suffocating thoughts of needles. It unfortunately didn’t last very long, and he pressed his lips into a thin line as he tried to fixate his gaze on a faraway spot out the window.

“Just count to thirty really slow in your head,” the brainiac suggested perkily, as he prepared the shot.

Sonic nearly jumped out of his seat. “ _That’s_ how long it’ll take?!”

“No!” Tails exclaimed suddenly, “It’s just to distract yourself. It will take a few seconds though; this stuff is pretty thick and it’ll take a little while to get it all out.”

The hedgehog pouted miserably, sinking a little in the chair. He was already subconsciously tensing up. “Oh, man, this is gonna suck.”

He suddenly found himself staring right into the palm of a large, ivory mitt. Raising a brow, the hero turned to look at the carmine guardian in uncertainty. Knuckles smiled sheepishly, his gaze a little less patronizing and a little more empathetic.

“My offer still stands, Blue.”

Sighing reluctantly (and a little in relief), Sonic slapped his hand down into the echidna’s, and squeezed it tight. Knuckles grunted a bit, like he wasn’t quite anticipating the hedgehog’s grip to be that strong—and the speedster would’ve laughed at that, if he wasn’t trembling out of pure dread.

After a second, Tails finally began, “Alright, three, two, one.”

Leg twitching a bit from the pinching feeling in his thigh, Sonic started counting internally to himself, still squeezing Knuckles’ hand and staring at some speck in the sky just outside the window. He had to busy himself.

_One-Mississippi, two-Mississippi, three-Mississippi, four-Mississippi, five-Mississippi, six-Mississippi, seven-Mississ—_

“And done!”

Tails withdrew the needle, patting the blue blur’s shoulder reassuringly. “See, that wasn’t too bad, right?”

Mulling it over in his mind, Sonic found himself smiling pleasantly to himself. “Actually, no, it really wasn’t! There was a little sting, and it feels kinda achy now, but that wasn’t bad at all!”

“I told you so!”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” the hedgehog drawled, an easy smirk playing on his lips.

Through gritted teeth, Knuckles bit out, “Hey, bud, do you mind, uh, _letting go of my hand already?”_

“Oh!” Sonic said, releasing his iron grip and letting his hand fall to his side. He watched in amusement as the guardian hissed to himself, flexing his hand like he was trying to get blood flow to return to it. “Heh, sorry about that dude.”

In response, the echidna just shot a fiery gaze at his rival, that was vaguely playful. “Well, I think I’m gonna head back to the Master Emerald. Congrats, though. You’re one day on T, now.”

Sonic’s chest fluttered in ecstasy, and a stupid smile spread across his muzzle. “Yeah, I guess I am, huh?”

“See ya’, Knuckles!” the fox hollered after the other, just as the crimson warrior stalked out the door. He waved cheerily, in return earning a fond smile from the echidna.

“See you around, squirt.”

Tails grinned as their friend left, before turning back to the blue blur. “So, how do you feel? Manly?”

His smile stretched to his ears, and Sonic suddenly leapt out of his chair, charging straight for the bathroom and crying over his shoulder in glee, “I’m gonna go see if I’ve got facial hair yet!”

* * *

If this could all be summed up in one word, it would be a _mess._

How blind was G.U.N., exactly? Because somehow they believed that Sonic, their hero, the hedgehog that has foiled Eggman’s plans more times than they could count, that had saved Station Square from Perfect Chaos, had suddenly become some _villain_ who stole Chaos Emeralds for fun and invaded their bases on the daily. Were they _dense?_

(He was also pretty sure they were colorblind or something because there was no way in hell he had black fur and red stripes.)

And, yeah, okay, maybe this was just because it was easy to point at any fast-moving mobian and say, ‘hey, that’s Sonic!’ Because mobians were still a rarity around here, and if one was spotted, they were likely the blue blur himself or one of his good friends—seventy-five percent of the time, anyways.

With a disgruntled huff, the speedster hopped up onto his feet and began pacing. It was all he could do while he was confined to this damn cell. There was absolutely nothing to _do_ and he’d been stuck in here for _hours_ now and they weren’t letting him talk to _anybody._ He really hoped that Tails was already working on figuring this all out, like getting a lawyer or even just planning to break him out of here, because honestly? He was really desperate to step out of this stupid cell for just a _second_ and get some fresh air again.

And, oh, Chaos, if he could just take his binder off for a _second,_ that’d be great too. The speedster had been wearing it since yesterday morning, when G.U.N. first captured him (followed by him breaking free, and then getting captured again), and he really needed a break. Sonic knew for a fact that he was not supposed to bind for more than eight or so hours, and he had _definitely_ exceeded that time limit a while ago. But he couldn’t take it off here, not in this stupid, tiny, dumb little cell where there were security cameras trained on him twenty-four-seven with no break. His ribs were hurting, and his back was aching, and he just needed to _breathe—_

The hedgehog was jostled from his thoughts and nearly thrown off his feet when the wall adjacent to his cell, just a few feet out of reach, caved in. And in stepped a friendly face, complete with her effervescent jade eyes and sturdy piko hammer.

He faltered a moment, eyes widening. “… Amy?!”

Immediately, he was hushed by the girl. She looked rather keyed up (although, anyone would be if they just broke into a prison via smashing the walls down with a hammer).

“ _Shh!_ Keep your voice down,” she hissed, pressing a finger to her lips for extra effect. The blue blur clammed up at that, eyeing his friend expectantly. Amy glanced around for a second, like she was checking for guards, before a giggle slipped from her throat and she did a cute little twirl. “Have no fear, Amy Rose is here!” she exclaimed in a whisper-shout.

Sonic placed his hands on his hips, cocking an eyebrow. “How’d you even get in here?”

“I caught a ride with Tails,” she said, starting towards the cell. The pink fighter started to lift her mallet up to strike the steel bars. “Figured you guys could use my help.”

With a grin, the cerulean hero stepped back so she could do her thing. “Yeah, definitely. Thanks for the help.”

Amy sucked in a small breath, and swung her piko hammer as hard as she could into the bars. Surely enough, it left a sizeable dent in its wake. She began repeating the process a few more times, asking between breaths, “So how come you’re locked up anyways? Tails mentioned something about being framed, but…”

The azure teen rocked excitedly on his heels. He was _so close_ to freedom. “Some stupid, fake hedgehog. He’s workin’ for Eggman, I’m pretty sure.”

The cell bars began to split, but the bubblegum heroine halted her efforts for a moment to peer up at the other. His smile dropped a little, just wanting her to break him out, already. “Wait, is he a black hedgehog?”

He quirked a brow, and she continued to pry the bars out of the way. “… Uh, yeah, actually. You know him?”

“Well, me and Tails saw him just outside, on the launch pad. But I think he took off to the woods, while Tails held off Eggman. They had some bat-girl with them, too—”

Amy finally busted through, and was suddenly cut off as the prisoner inside leapt out in glee, whooping and laughing.

“Ah, man, thanks Ames! I’ve been itchin’ to get outta there for _ever,_ ” Sonic said, grinning widely at her.

She returned the gesture, slinging her hammer over her shoulder nonchalantly. “Sure thing. Girlfriends gotta stick out for each other, right?”

And then he froze, smile turning to glass and heart tightening up. _Of course._ He still hadn’t come out to her. She didn’t know, and he couldn’t blame her because of that, but dammit that hurt. It was hard to neglect the bitter cold sensation writhing around in his stomach and clawing at his heart.

(Vaguely, he heard in the back of his head, _I actually want to be your_ real _girlfriend—No, that’s not right. I want_ you _to be_ my _girlfriend._ I _want to be your_ boyfriend, _because you’re really fucking cute, but dammit, you’re a lesbian, you won’t want to date me if I tell you, Chaos just kill me now—_ )

Clearly, he’d been silent for too long, though, because her face was getting redder by the second, and her easy smile had morphed into a distressed frown. “Sonic? Are you okay? Is it something I said?”

Blinking rapidly, the blue blur righted himself and forced his smile to widen. He was fighting valiantly to ignore his pounding chest and the pain that clenched his heart. “Nope, I’m all good.”

Amy’s frown deepened into one of concern. “… Are you su—”

“ _So._ Uh.” He stalled a moment, clearing his throat, looking her up and down. Then, he rose a brow in newfound surprise. “… Is that the dress I gave you?”

He hadn’t even noticed till now, but yeah, it was. She—She was wearing his gift to her? _She actually liked it?_ A genuine smile wormed its way to his face, and he eased up a bit.

“Oh!” The pink teen looked down at herself, eyeing the ruby red dress as though she forgot she’d been wearing it herself. Then she beamed, looking back up again and doing another one of those adorable twirls. The hem of the dress flittered up as she did, and Chaos, she looked fucking _angelic._

“Yeah! I love it!” she replied, stopping her spin to face the blue blur again. “It’s super cute. I’m surprised you wanted to give it up!”

_Ha. If only you knew._

“Well,” he muttered, emerald eyes drifting to the side. He rubbed his nose. “… I dunno. Just not my style anymore. Plus, I figured you’d look cute in it, and you _do—_ ”

Both hedgehogs stopped at that, heat rising in their faces. They stared at each other for a moment, and oh, fuck, _he could just lean in right now and—_

No. He couldn’t do that to her. He’d have to tell her eventually, and then she’d say no, she doesn’t like boys, they can’t date, and—Fuck, if he already knows he doesn’t have a chance, why doesn’t he just come out to her already? What, so he can keep fooling himself with this false hope that maybe, just maybe, they might work out?

_(… Maybe.)_

And then she started with a lame, “um,” and he began with a dumb, “so,” and they both jostled, stumbling over each other’s words and insisting for the other to speak. Eventually, Amy won out, and Sonic found himself floundering for something, _anything_ to say, because _holy fuck_ this was a disaster and now he had to actually speak before she got weirded out.

_Just tell her. Just get it over with. It’s like ripping off a band-aid!_

“… _So._ Uh. Eggman’s here, you said?”

_You fucking coward._

She paused, her face falling just slightly, before, “… Um, yeah, they both are. We should go…”

But then the strawberry hedgehog stopped herself, her gaze suddenly drifting back over to the cell the blue hero was once locked inside of. She narrowed her eyes curiously, stepping towards it as she studied the walls. There were all these strange, white markings all over them—maybe written out of chalk, or something?

“… Hey, Sonic,” she said slowly, not taking her gaze from the cell. “Did you write this stuff, or-?”

When she turned back to look at him, he was already gone.

* * *

As he sped down the slope, the humidity from the machinery ruffling his fur, Sonic leapt up, landing on another platform before him. He finally took a moment to catch his breath, halting his sprint and panting as his legs ached from exhaustion.

He made it, and hopefully in time. (Of course, he did. He’d had five minutes to reach the cannon and he got here in two minutes and twelve seconds _flat._ )

Taking one last deep breath, the blue blur peered up at the long hallway, knowing he’d already won. He started a light stride, relishing in the victory with a refined smirk tugging at his lips. Now he just had to—

“You never cease to surprise me, blue hedgehog.”

With a startled gasp, the speedster whipped around to see Shadow— _of course—_ approaching him with an easy gait. Frowning and crossing his arms, Sonic waited for his rival to catch up before walking alongside him. Shadow never took his piercing ruby gaze off him; he was dubious, and calculating. Sonic had to be on his guard.

“Well, well,” the blue blur grinned, cocking his head a bit to the side and regarding his enemy with a playful glint in his eyes. “If it isn’t the _faker._ ”

Ignoring the comment, Shadow narrowed his gaze. The cerulean hero almost faltered at it (those crimson eyes were almost unnervingly sharp and dangerous) but he kept his cool, and didn’t let his smile fall. The last thing he needed now was to show any weakness.

“I thought that capsule you were in exploded in space.”

Sonic quirked a brow, his smirk widening into something devious. Right. Shadow didn’t know he could use Chaos Control— _yet._ He shrugged nonchalantly. “Y’know, what can I say? I die hard.”

Unable to withhold his pride any longer, the speedster finally withdrew the plastic emerald, shimmering a dull amber from the incandescent lights above. He held it up to inspect it a bit, twisting it around and watching in admiration as the light bounced off its facets. Despite Shadow’s stare, that he could feel burning into the side of his skull, Sonic kept his eyes on the fake gem, reveling in his small moment of victory.

“It’s actually kinda funny,” the azure hedgehog remarked, finally caving to his pride and glancing up to meet the obsidian one’s gaze. Emerald clashed against ruby. “In the end, you actually saved me.”

Shadow sneered, realization dawning on him. “You used Chaos Control.”

The speedster’s triumphant smirk deepened, but then the Ultimate Lifeform developed a look of dubiety.

“… Wait. There’s no way you could’ve done it. That emerald’s a _fake._ ”

“Well, would you look at that?” Sonic snickered, “You _aren’t_ just some dumb henchman after all.”

Abruptly, it hazily registered in the blue blur’s mind that he was still racing to get to the Eclipse Cannon, and his heart skipped a beat. A tight feeling seizing his chest, he picked up his pace to a jog, and Shadow mimicked him.

The striped hedgehog rose a brow. “I admit, it’s impressive you were able to draw enough power from that fraud. Seems like there’s more to you than just _looking_ like me,” he scoffed haughtily, before scowling. “… What _are_ you, anyways?”

“What you see is what you get!” Sonic shot back, simply. “I’m just a guy that loves adventure!”

Shadow pursed his lips at that, face screwing up in concentration, and the blue blur’s grin wavered. “… A _guy?_ ”

Oh.

_Oh._

His mind sort of just going blank, and the color draining from his face, Sonic struggled for a moment to find words. How _stupid_ could he be? Why couldn’t he just _shut up_ and be _quiet?!_

Everything started spinning a little, and thought maybe he slowed down, but he wasn’t really sure. He wasn’t exactly in the present moment anymore, too busy replaying that one word over and over in his head.

This was insane. Now Shadow was going to belittle him, tease him, beat him up. Because—Because he was a fucking freak, and, and—Chaos, what if he told the others? What if he told Eggman, and then Eggman told the whole world, and then everybody knew, and then everybody would hate him, a-and he’d be an outcast, and Amy would scream at him, because he was an idiot, he was a freak, he couldn’t—fuck, he couldn’t breathe, why couldn’t—

“ _Hey._ ”

Sonic blinked, inhaling sharply as he returned to reality. He was in the long hallway, still. Shadow was stopped before him, still glowering at him with his typical malice, but also just the tiniest bit of… concern?

The ebony teenager paused, crossing his arms. “… Sorry.”

“What.”

_Shadow. Was apologizing. To him._

_What the fuck._

His rival shifted uncomfortably. “ _Sorry,_ ” he repeated, a little frustration seeping into his tone, as if this was the last thing he wanted to be doing. “… I’ve  been calling you a girl, all this time.”

Sonic couldn’t do anything else but stare incredulously. “ _What._ ”

Shadow finally met his eyes, and there was just a glimpse of poignancy beneath his steely crimsons. “Maria told me about you people, before. About how you fought against the police… in Stonewall?”

“I don’t—” the blue blur stammered, catching his breath. He placed his hands on his hips, chuckling a bit. “Shadow, Stonewall was over thirty years ago. I wasn’t alive when the riots happened.”

“Oh, well… Still,” Shadow shrugged, his gaze wandering. Then his eyes hardened, and the faintest bit of challenge pulled at the corner of his lips. “Doesn’t matter, anyways. You won’t be alive for much longer, either.”

Sonic returned a wild grin, flexing his fingers impatiently. While Shadow was… a little lacking in the proper vocabulary for this stuff, he definitely had the spirit. He would’ve thanked the Ultimate Lifeform for being so tolerant, had this been under slightly different circumstances.

Without wasting another second, the blue blur blasted down the hall, shoving the dark hedgehog out of the way. He still had to reach the Eclipse Cannon before it was too late. He didn’t have much time left.

Wind whipping past his face, Sonic almost didn’t notice an ebony figure flank his right. He looked over at his rival in subdued shock. As he skated hastily alongside the azure hero, Shadow’s feet were bathed in a blazing fury of flames from his hover shoes. Sonic almost grinned smugly; he really was the fastest thing alive, wasn’t he? Shadow would be nothing without his fancy shoes. He scoffed at the thought.

Shadow flashed him a wicked grin as they sped down the hall. “I’m afraid I can’t let you live!” he hollered at the blue blur. “Your adventuring days are _coming to an end!_ ”

The speedster belted out a laugh in response, already forgetting the panic flooding his body just seconds ago. It seemed like Shadow had already moved on, too.

As they raced down the tunnel, preparing to fight, Sonic had no idea that this wasn’t the end of it. That they faced a much graver battle in the near future, that would take everything they had.

And when they won that battle, when they beat the Biolizard, when Shadow fell, Sonic found himself standing back in the ARK, gazing longingly out the window at the magnificent planet below. He squeezed the forgotten inhibitor ring tautly.

He still couldn’t get over what had happened earlier. How… _kind_ Shadow had been. He’d been expecting some horrible reaction, but then he’d just received a courteous apology and the same mutual respect from before. No questions asked, the Ultimate Lifeform just switched pronouns. And he didn’t even bring it up again, like it wasn’t a big deal at all!

Sonic felt a faint smile twitch at his lips, and he sighed forlornly.

 _Sayonara, Shadow… You were pretty dang cool,_ he smirked to himself.

“Hey, Sonic?”

The azure teenager jumped, startled from his thoughts. He calmed upon seeing Amy standing at his side, eyeing him with slight worry.

“What’s the matter?”

And as he stared into her gorgeous jade eyes, wide and shimmering wonderfully in the moonlight, his heart just _sank._ Because he loved Amy so damn much, and it was time he stopped being selfish. He wasn’t being fair to her by keeping this a secret, and he wasn’t being fair to himself, either. What was the point of keeping his hopes up, when he knew in the end he’d have to tell her and he’d have to deal with knowing she’d never want to date him? It was foolish. And he was done trying to fool himself.

Besides, if Shadow could take it that well, then Amy would be more than accepting, right?

“Nothin’,” the speedster grinned, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. His smile fell a little, anxiety already building in his chest just at the _thought_ of having to come out to her. “But, uh… I gotta tell you something, when we get home.”

She narrowed her eyes skeptically, and he felt his cheeks grow hot. But then the bubblegum hedgehog just giggled teasingly and pressed her lips into a thin smile. “Okay, then.”

Internally sighing in relief, Sonic chuckled back.

“Right. Now let’s go back to the planet as cool and blue as me!”

* * *

Sucking in a tight breath, Sonic poised a fist before the cherry wood door, trying to dig up some courage beneath all his unease and trepidation. He almost did it—almost knocked against the door, but his muscles grew too stiff and his apprehension crested into a tidal wave that quickly drowned out any confidence he’d managed to build up in the past thirty minutes.

The hedgehog let his hands fall back to his sides, clenching them tight and sighing harshly, emerald eyes cast to the brick porch. Sweat from the fuming summer sun was soaking his binder, and he thumbed half-mindedly at the hems, trying to let up on some of the tension around his chest. If anything, he told himself, the sooner he told Amy, the sooner he could come out to the rest of the world, the sooner he could finally get top surgery, and the sooner he wouldn’t have to worry about sweaty binders anymore.

Besides, he told himself with a false nonchalance, Amy was gay. She’d totally be okay with him being trans, right?

Sonic squeezed his eyes shut, flushing out his last ounces of _oh Chaos, this is gonna go horrible, I’m so scared,_ and before he could let himself dwindle any longer on those thoughts, he knocked on the door.

His heart was beating a million times a minute and he almost couldn’t breathe— _Chaos,_ why was this so fucking scary _every time—_

“Oh, hey Sonic!” chirped a voice of saccharine. The blue blur shook himself from his thoughts, and flashed a crumbling smile. He was probably shaking, but he wasn’t really sure, to busy focusing on maintaining a somewhat cool expression. “… Uh, you wanna come in?”

Amy’s house was cozy. Cozier than the workshop, back in Mystic Ruins, anyways. The doorway opened right into a kitchen-living room hybrid, only divided by the bar with a few stools. There was always some heavy aroma wafting around the house (this time it smelled like blueberry muffins, maybe) that mingled pleasantly with the fragrance of the jasmine she had placed along the windowsills. The living area was tidy, with a giant, squishy loveseat that Sonic absolutely _loved_ to take naps on after a long run.

The pink hedgehog led him over to the sofa and sat down, her fingers weaved together and sat nicely in her lap. “So, you wanted to tell me something, right?”

Swallowing thickly, the speedster took a seat, bringing up his legs to criss-cross them and face her. “Y—Yeah, I did.”

She frowned. “Is everything okay, Sonic?”

And he tried to get his jaw to work, he really did, but his lips felt like they were fused together and his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth. There was an prickly flutter that twirled around in his chest, making him feel light and shaky.

“Well,” he started, slowly, eyes wandering around to meet just about anything and everything in the room except her gaze. “Everything’s… _okay,_ sorta. It’s just, uh. It’s some big news, I guess.”

Amy eyed him oddly for a moment, before smiling warmly. “It’s okay. You can tell me anything.”

His throat felt unbearably dry, and it took a moment to swallow the knot clogging up his airway. “I know.”

This thick, uncomfortable silence draped over them, and Sonic couldn’t find the words to break it. How—How was he supposed to start? What would he say?

“Um,” he said, elegantly. He was drumming his fingers restlessly on his calf, and couldn’t help but chuckle a bit emptily. “S-So, this is just—it’s been a big part of my life, for a while now. And—And I honestly dunno why I haven’t told you sooner. I’ve just been, scared, I guess. But I do trust you a lot, Ames, and I don’t wanna keep this secret any—any longer. It’s not fair to you.”

He was painfully aware of the maelstrom of tears brimming in his eyes, and the piteous look she was casting towards him.

After a pause, the hero clenched his fists, and he was sure his knuckles had turned white beneath his gloves. He just had to get it out. It was like ripping off a bandage.

“Amy, I—” Sonic finally brought himself to look her in the eye, and his breath hitched, just for a moment. “I’m a boy.”

A tear from each eye spilled out as he uttered those three words, and this strange feeling that he couldn’t even describe overtook him, as he could do nothing more than stare deftly at her, praying to every god he could think of that she would respond with acceptance.

But the strawberry hedgehog instead frowned strangely, her face screwed up in confusion. “… Sorry, what?”

The world slowed to a stop, and suddenly he couldn’t breathe anymore.

His hands were shaking harder than ever, and he couldn’t bring himself to speak. The mental block was rising up again, like a pair of scissors snipped his vocal chords in half.

“… Sonic?” she asked, bewilderment still painted across her features. But he just—he couldn’t be here anymore, everything was processing too fast and it was all loud and—and she was mad, she must’ve been, because fuck, he’d been lying to her _this entire time and—_

Amy suddenly reached out a hand, her eyes wide, “Hey—”

The cerulean male recoiled from her touch, and he could feel the tears rolling down his cheeks but he just couldn’t bring himself to do anything other than scramble off the couch and get away. Frantically, He balled up his fist and moved it in circles over his chest, over and over again, his entire arm shaking as he stumbled towards the door.

**_Sorry. Sorry. Sorry._ **

“Wait, Sonic, where are you—?”

He was already sprinting out the door before she got the chance to finish her sentence.

* * *

Somehow he’d wound up sitting precariously on the ledge of a building. Emerald orbs watched the smears of gold and red lights rocket down the streets of Station Square disconnectedly. He felt—He didn’t _know_ how he felt. It was more like a lack thereof. Everything was cold and murky, and it was like he wasn’t even in his own body.

The anxiety had settled a bit, and he could breathe somewhat normal, if not a little raggedly. The hedgehog fruitlessly wiped at his eyes again, a constant stream of moisture pooling up in them, and it was just so _stupid_ because he had no reason to be upset, he was just being fucking dramatic.

 _Amy—_ Chaos, the—the _look on her face._ Sonic could barely recall it, everything was too foggy from the immediate head rush and wave of panic he’d been slammed with upon her reaction. She—was she mad? Sad? He honestly couldn’t remember, just that she wasn’t exactly happy.

He felt so bad. He’d been so, so, _so_ damn selfish, and now this was all his fault, and they’d only get more mad at him because he was just making a big deal out of nothing.

_(Selfish. So selfish. So stupid.)_

The speedster peered back down at the bustling streets below, clacking his dangling heels against the wall of the building he was perched on. What was he gonna do, now? Go back to the workshop, hide in his room for another week? Amy would find him eventually, and he’d have to figure out what to say. Maybe he could pass this off as some practical joke, that he wasn’t actually a freak, he was just a normal girl.

His hands went a little shaky at the thought, and it became hard to swallow. _A normal girl._ Did he even want that? Because, yes, of course, he didn’t. The idea of pretending to be a girl the rest of his life was—was _repulsive,_ it made him feel sick, it made him dizzy. But it’d be so much easier, nobody would be mad or weirded out, he’d just be an average, female hedgehog.

Chills crawled down his spine, and the hero grimaced. He didn’t think he could go back to the workshop, not now. He’d have to wade through a massive crowd to reach the train station, and they’d all see him, so vulnerable and feminine and small and _Chaos—_ he wanted to tear out his own quills.

Dysphoria ambushed him resolutely, pounding against his skull. All Sonic could think of was the slight divot in his hips, how short he was, how his voice had barely even dropped since he’d started T. His chest—he’d been so comfortable with it, lately. He’d been able to go out in public without a problem, because the binder worked so well, he was finally flat, he had a _chance_ at passing. The only thing he could focus on how was how it wasn’t perfect yet, how he wasn’t completely flat, how it still ballooned ever so slightly.

He figured maybe he’d just stay up here for awhile, invisible to the world. He didn’t even want Tails to see him, really. He didn’t want anyone to see him. He just needed a break.

Sonic fell back onto the concrete, easing his eyes shut and trying not to think about his trembling hands and spinning thoughts.

Emerald eyes snapped open before he realized he’d even fallen asleep.

Something was buzzing against the back of his head, barely noticeable, and he took that as his cue to withdraw his small flip phone from his quills. The device was blown up with messages, mostly from Tails, a few from Amy and even Knuckles.

Sonic didn’t bother opening the latter two; his back was sore and he was shivering from the chilly night, and all he wanted was to go home and snuggle up with Tails and watch vintage movie reruns.

He opened up the plethora of texts from his brother, cringing sheepishly as he skimmed through all of them.

_Hey are you okay?_

_Sonic pick up the phone_

_I’m worried_

_Amy said you ran away_

_Please pick up_

_It’s getting late_

_We’re worried about you_

_Come home soon_

_We love you_

A needle of guilt stabbed through his heart, a frown marring his muzzle. The hedgehog rose to his feet, groaning from his uncomfortable nap and stretching out his limbs. He’d been gone for five hours; it was no surprise everyone was concerned.

Tentatively, Sonic typed out, _heading back now. just needed some time alone._ With a pause of reluctance, he added on, _ur home alone right?_

He really didn’t wanna deal with the others, right now.

There was a pause for a few minutes as he started heading down the fire escape, eyeing his screen tensely. Eventually, Tails replied, _Yeah. You doing okay?_

The hero couldn’t bring himself to reply at all. He supposed he’d fill the kit in when he got home.

As he walked to the train, and took it back to Mystic Ruins, it was hard to fill the void of silence and isolation. More thoughts of _selfish, selfish, stupid girl, idiot,_ pervaded his mind, and it sent spurs of nausea through his stomach. He’d be home soon. He’d get home, and he’d sleep away all his worries. Avoid the public. Avoid Amy. At least for a little while.

When Sonic entered the workshop, it was strangely quiet. Normally he’d come home to the muffled whirrs of engines and clinks of metal down in the garage, or the television would be playing some sitcom on low volume.

“… Tails?” he called out, locking the door behind him.

Suddenly, the fox whipped around the corner, looking a little frazzled. “Hey! You’re back.”

He nodded uneasily. “Yeah… Uh, everything okay?”

After a moment to recompose himself, the boy genius rolled his eyes teasingly and jogged up to his big brother to give him a warm hug. “ _No,_ it’s not, because you scared the crap outta me. I’m glad you’re alright.”

Sonic chuckled, patting his buddy’s back. “I always run off every now and then, this time was no different. I just needed alone time.”

“Yes, but—” Tails began, but he cut himself off, rubbing his arm. “Never mind. Hey, I made some popcorn if you wanna watch a movie or something. Wanna go grab it out of the kitchen? I gotta go… make a pit stop.”

An almost genuine smile found its way to the azure teen’s face, but it still felt somewhat fake. Frail. Like it’d shatter any second. Sniffing, he quipped, “Thought you’d never ask!”

With that, the boys split up, Tails to the bathroom and Sonic heading the other way, to the kitchen. He couldn’t help but feel as though it were just a little odd at how jittery his brother was, but figured he shouldn’t pay it much mind. But even more curiously, as the speedster swung open the door, something vaguely registering in his mind that he couldn’t smell any popcorn at all.

And then he stepped into the kitchen, and his stomach flipped.

Amy sat nervously at the dining table, twiddling her thumbs and peering up at him desolately. She held something in her lap, but it was hidden from his view underneath the table.

Immediately, those unwelcome thoughts that he’d hope to hide from earlier tonight began to trickle back into his mind, and he started to back up against the door. The strawberry mobian held out a hand in desperation, looking dismayed.

“No, Sonic, wait!”

For some reason that he wasn’t even sure of, the blue blur found himself freezing. He watched her in anticipation, ready to bolt at any second. His heartbeat was thundering in his ears.

With a deep breath, Amy stood up, swiftly hiding whatever she was holding behind her back. She took only a few steps forward, as though if she got any closer, he’d flee. Honestly, he probably would; the distance was appreciated.

Sonic braced himself, expecting berating words, crying and screaming, calling him a freak, or—or even worse, demanding him to give a good reason as to why he lied to her.

“Look,” the pink hedgehog began, slowly, “About earlier—”

“I’m sorry,” he cut in, his hands shaking uncontrollably as he pressed further against the door. “I—I should’ve told you sooner, I didn’t mean to—”

“ _Sonic,_ ” she bit out, and he flinched. This was a disaster, _he just wanted to get away—_ “Look at me. I’m not mad.”

The hero brought himself to meet her eyes. They were filled with nothing but worry and sorrow. He wasn’t sure what it meant, entirely.

Amy stepped a bit closer, and he let her. “I’m so sorry about earlier. I didn’t—my reaction was inappropriate, and I’m sorry it scared you. I was just… caught off guard, is all.”

Sonic swallowed thickly, nodding numbly. Tears were starting to well up in his eyes, and he hated it, because it was so annoying, he shouldn’t cry, he shouldn’t—

“I was selfish,” he blurted. “I’m sorry, I just—you told me you were gay, a-and I thought—I don’t know, I just thought I could keep giving myself false hope if I pretended to be a girl around you, and I’m sorry, it wasn’t fair to you, it wasn’t—”

“Wait,” Amy said, her eyes a little wide. She stepped closer, so they were face to face. “What do you… What do you mean, you were giving yourself a false hope?”

He took in a shaky breath, practically reeling. This was utterly insane. “… I—I really… I really like you, Ames. And I was just—I was being selfish, trying to trick myself into thinking I had a chance with you, b-but…”

Amy stared at him blankly for a second, before this stupid grin spread across her face. And without warning, she leaned in, pressing her lips into his. Sonic stalled for a second, barely processing what was happening before something warm blossomed in his chest and he reciprocated. She slid a hand up his arm, gentle and soft and caressing, pressing him further against the wall. He found his hands fumbling to hold onto her hips, pulling her against him. Their lips fit perfectly together, and she tasted so good; sweet and fruity, like summertime raspberries.

They pulled away after a few seconds, noses touching. The blue blur gaped, blinking rapidly as he tried to regain his bearings. She was smiling dumbly at him. “I think you’re probably the biggest idiot I’ve ever met, Sonic the Hedgehog.”

“You—” he stammered, laughing anxiously. He felt like he was on cloud nine, and the only thought he could conjure was just to _kiss her again._ “You’re—”

“ _Bi,_ you dummy.”

Sonic paused, taking in a deep breath. “ _Bi._ ”

Amy rubbed his arm, bringing it up to hook over his shoulder. She nipped at his bottom lip. “I was questioning, back when I came out to you. Pretty sure I’m bi, though.”

“That’s, that’s—”

She giggled at his stutters, and it sounded so delicate, so gentle, so perfect. Warmth curled around his heart, and he knew he was probably casting the lamest, dreamiest eyes at her, but dammit, he didn’t care, _he just kissed Amy Rose._

After a moment of the two getting lost in each other’s eyes, the pink mobian blinked a few times, the tiniest gasp escaping her, as she withdrew slightly, revealing the object she’d been hiding to him. It was a folded piece of cloth, a vibrant red, fairly small and composed of some strange fiber that Sonic couldn’t begin to name.

“I almost forgot,” Amy said, her voice hinging on wistfulness. It was like she was struggling to process all of this as well, reeling from the sudden turn of events. “This is—it’s for you.”

The speedster eyed it warily, taking it from her hands to unfold it and get a good look at it. He cocked his head to the side, pursing his lips. “… A new binder?”

She rubbed her arm sheepishly, as he lowered the garment to see her face again. Her cheeks were painted in the faintest pink. “It’s a sort of, uh, peace offering. I told Tails what happened almost immediately after you ran off, and he helped me make it—well, it was more like I stood around and watched him make it.”

Sonic chuckled softly, hastily dabbing away the moisture in his eyes before tugging lightly at the binder’s seams. It was doubly more flexible than his current one, and the fabric was smooth to the touch.

“He said he’d been working on it in secret for a while, I guess as a present to you,” Amy continued. “But he figured I should give it to you, after… You know.”

All the boy could manage out was a pathetic, low squeak, his throat closing up as he fought harder against the tears. He couldn’t take his eyes off the binder, how sleek and new and absolutely _flawless_ it was; Tails had clearly labored hard over it, and it seemed perfectly tailored to fit him.

Chaos, it just—he sniffed, feeling helpless as beads of liquid streaked down his cheeks, his grip on the binder shaky. Sonic couldn’t even fathom this. They—they really made this just for him, Tails made this, Amy—Amy truly felt so bad that—oh, Chaos, he _couldn’t—_

“Oh,” the bubblegum hedgehog murmured, suddenly, drawing his attention. Her contentment was falling into some concoction of panic and shame. “Oh, hey, Sonic, don’t—I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you, don’t cry—”

Unable to even muster any words, too overwhelmed and out of breath and stressed, all he could do was grab for her hand, and pull it up to hold beside their faces. He made sure to weave their fingers together, using his free hand to position her digits to mimic his: pointer and pinky sticking up, and thumb out. Their palms remained pressed together, middle and ring fingers still linked.

Amy stared at their hands in awe, in some sort of childlike wonder, and Sonic managed a frail smile, pressing his forehead against hers. He gazed deeply into her eyes, for once feeling at peace.

**_I love you._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you're wondering why sonic was selectively mute and signs when he's v emotional that's actually for my buddy rider! this is for you mate <3!

**Author's Note:**

> you made it to the end, congratulation! 
> 
> heck king ily ;3
> 
> also if you're wondering why sonic was selectively mute and signs when v emotional that's for my buddy rider!!! this is for you mate. also, signing 'ily' and putting your hands together is something that asl lovebirds actually do:
> 
> http://carodoodles.tumblr.com/post/154533730382/nothings-gayer-than-clasping-each-others-ily
> 
> but anyhow thanks for stopping by!! leave a comment and heckle muchas gracias


End file.
